Things That Probably Won't Happen

I've been wrestling with my ambition demons quite a bit lately. I shan't bore you with all the details even though I desperately want to, but instead I shall provide a short list of things that Probably Won't Happen for me.

1. Making a layer cake that looks good. I make a cake--and I make a good cake, if I do say so myself (IIDSSM). But my layer cakes look a disaster. Usually, when I make them, I leave them in the kitchen because sliced on a plate, you can't really tell that it's all fucked up. It looks good and it tastes good, so done and done. But one dinner party, Beloved came traipsing out with the cake on the plate and expected me to slice and serve at table (note the missing "the," because I am fancy). It was appalling. My guests did not care for the looks of the lopsided nightmare, and of course my serving technique is not good. No one ate much. Afterwards, I made Beloved promise not to do that again.

2. Learning how to speak Spanish, French, German, or Russian--at all, much less fluently, much less "reading and writing fluently."

3. Being "discovered"--period but also being discovered for some talent that comes totally naturally to me. "What? I have the voice of an angel?" or "What, you think I'm a talented and beautiful actress just by the way I'm telling my friend here this hilarious story?" Not going to happen.

I think that's enough for now...and I'm not sad about it. You can't do everything, after all.

 But before I go, I'd like to also set down something that I discovered awhile ago that will DEFINITELY NEVER HAPPEN FOR ME.

I will never look like Juliette Binoche. I know, it's sad.  When I first saw this beautiful actress (in "Blue," an excellent movie), I actually thought it might be possible that my facial features were not totally settled, and that maybe I would start to look like her.

I did not realize this was not going to happen until just a few years ago. I was walking down the street (what else?) when it suddenly hit me, like the voice of God (or reason): "I will never look like Juliette Binoche." I was honestly taken aback. It's as though somewhere, in the back of my mind, I thought it might be possible.

Robbers in My Neighborhood

So I am very used to walking everywhere. I walked all over Chicago, all over London, and all over DC, and all over any city I have ever visited. I've always been very aware of my surroundings and very tuned-in to any threats.

In my current neighborhood, my walk from the metro to home is broken up by two parts: the busy and the quiet. The busy part is the first quarter of the walk—I walk along a busy street and there's a lot of hustle-bustle. Then I cross a main thoroughfare and get to my neighborhood, which is very quiet. At this point, I usually put on my iPod and listen to one of my podcasts ("StoryCorps," "Selected Shorts," "The Terry Gross Show," or "The Moth" are favorites).  By the time I arrive at my doorstep, I have shaken off the day, had a little storytime, and am ready for a nice evening.

Robbers are a part of life everywhere. And I've always kept an eagle-eye out for them. About a month ago, I read about some robbers who had targeted my neighborhood. That there are robbers about is nothing new—I have always read the police report column in the paper and always find something happening steps away from me (virtually) that is upsetting. But for some reason, these robbers scared me. It may have been because one of the reports was that a woman was robbed as she was walking up to her house. She resisted and she was beaten very badly. This really stuck in my brain, and it scared me.

Maybe it's because one of my happiest moments of any day is when I'm walking up to my house. Happy home! Place of refuge, place of rest, and most important: place where I find Beloved. Imagining being attacked just as you're taking off your mantle of protection is…ugh.

So I got scared. I (of course) stopped listening to my iPod. I walked down the middle of the street. I spied houses where I thought there were actual people in them (so I could run to them if the robbers showed up) versus where there were just lights on to fake robbers out. I stopped being vigilant, and was just scared. It made me mad, too. Stupid robbers!

But I guess my threshold for freaking out was met, and I stopped being scared. I just remained vigilant. They allegedly caught these robbers, but there will be more. I hope I don't ever get robbed (or worse), but even more, I hope I'm not scared between now and then, because what's the point?

I guess this is what you'd call a real "baked potato" kind of story.