Things That Probably Won't Happen

I've been wrestling with my ambition demons quite a bit lately. I shan't bore you with all the details even though I desperately want to, but instead I shall provide a short list of things that Probably Won't Happen for me.

1. Making a layer cake that looks good. I make a cake--and I make a good cake, if I do say so myself (IIDSSM). But my layer cakes look a disaster. Usually, when I make them, I leave them in the kitchen because sliced on a plate, you can't really tell that it's all fucked up. It looks good and it tastes good, so done and done. But one dinner party, Beloved came traipsing out with the cake on the plate and expected me to slice and serve at table (note the missing "the," because I am fancy). It was appalling. My guests did not care for the looks of the lopsided nightmare, and of course my serving technique is not good. No one ate much. Afterwards, I made Beloved promise not to do that again.

2. Learning how to speak Spanish, French, German, or Russian--at all, much less fluently, much less "reading and writing fluently."

3. Being "discovered"--period but also being discovered for some talent that comes totally naturally to me. "What? I have the voice of an angel?" or "What, you think I'm a talented and beautiful actress just by the way I'm telling my friend here this hilarious story?" Not going to happen.

I think that's enough for now...and I'm not sad about it. You can't do everything, after all.

 But before I go, I'd like to also set down something that I discovered awhile ago that will DEFINITELY NEVER HAPPEN FOR ME.

I will never look like Juliette Binoche. I know, it's sad.  When I first saw this beautiful actress (in "Blue," an excellent movie), I actually thought it might be possible that my facial features were not totally settled, and that maybe I would start to look like her.

I did not realize this was not going to happen until just a few years ago. I was walking down the street (what else?) when it suddenly hit me, like the voice of God (or reason): "I will never look like Juliette Binoche." I was honestly taken aback. It's as though somewhere, in the back of my mind, I thought it might be possible.